


Here It Is, Merry Christmas

by Lillian_Shepherd



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-19
Updated: 2012-12-19
Packaged: 2017-11-21 13:58:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/598523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lillian_Shepherd/pseuds/Lillian_Shepherd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christmas is coming, and Pepper decides she needs to spur Tony into action.  Unfortunately, she had been absent at Thanksgiving...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here It Is, Merry Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> I've read an excessive amount of sentimental Thanksgiving/Christmas fan fiction in the past couple of months. This was bound to result in something... in this case, a modern epistolary Avengers short story.
> 
> Unfortunate circumstances of American and religious history will be mentioned.

_From Virginia Potts  
To Tony Stark_

Tony: what are you going to do about Christmas? It's less than a week away.

Pepper

 

_From Tony Stark  
To Virginia Potts_

Cancel it?

 

_From Virginia Potts  
To Tony Stark_

You are not the Sheriff of Nottingham. Try again.

P.

 

_From Tony Stark  
To Virginia Potts_

Why are you asking me? Staff contractual obligations are your responsibility. I ordered a tree for reception. What more do you want, Potts?

 

_From Virginia Potts  
To Tony Stark_

You to live up to YOUR responsibilities for the people who, God help them, live with you.

 

_From Tony Stark  
To Virginia Potts_

Potts, may I remind you that you were not here for the disaster that was Thanksgiving. You are going to your parents for Christmas (and I wish you joy of it after last year's experience.) Me? I intend to be elsewhere. Probably Tahiti.

Tony

 

_From Virginia Potts  
To Tony Stark_

Anthony Edward Stark! You will NOT abandon your teammates, the nearest thing you have to a family, over Christmas and the New Year.

P.

 

_From Tony Stark  
To Virginia Potts_

Ms Potts:

The teammates you are referring to consist of:

1\. A Norse god. Who probably does not celebrate the birth of a rival god. Yule, possibly.

2\. A globe-travelling scientist with anger management problems who could possibly be described as a sorta-Zen-Buddhist.

3\. A Russian assassin. Who would, therefore, if I had the nerve to ask her, which I don't, probably be either an atheist or an Orthodox Christian. Who, if the latter, does not celebrate Christmas on the 25th December but on January 7th.

4\. Another assassin, this one an American ex-Carnival performer, who is still in personal mourning for the people he killed on the Helicarrier. Under mind control of a god. I'm not asking him which gods, if any, he believes in.

5\. Our super-soldier, and our one definite Christian. Who is going through a crisis of faith because, not only he is he quartered with a bona fide Norse god, but he made the mistake of Googling the biography of the current Pope, as well as being approached by members of the Religious Right, who seem to think he shares their philosophy, which he doesn't, just so you know.

From what they have let slip, none of these people – with the exception of #5 – have good memories of Christmas past. And said #5 is still in shock from Thanksgiving.

A.E. Stark – atheist ringmaster.

 

_From Virginia Potts  
To Tony Stark_

What the hell did happen at Thanksgiving?

 

_From Tony Stark  
To Virginia Potts_

The first rule of Thanksgiving is that we do not talk about Thanksgiving.

 

_From Virginia Potts  
To Tony Stark_

Oh yes you do, Tony. Do I have to come to your workshop and beat it out of you?

Pepper

 

_From Tony Stark  
To Virginia Potts_

Oooh. I'd be scared. Except that your GPS places you in Tokyo.

 

_From Virginia Potts  
To Tony Stark_

I have my minions. What happened at Thanksgiving, Tony?

 

_From Jarvis  
To Virginia Potts cc Tony Stark_

Allow me to explain.

I have been programmed to remember and cater for all festivities applying in Stark/Avengers Tower. Having noted the amount eaten by certain members of the Avengers and their various likes and dislikes, I arranged for the delivery of what Mr Stark referred to as 'de woiks, Jay' by a firm of highly respected caterers.

The response was not as predicted. Thor Odinson expressed great delight at the idea of a 'goodly feast'. Captain Rogers explained the reason for the holiday, but Ms Romanoff pointed out that the Pilgrim Fathers and those who followed had thanked their Native American benefactors by – and I quote – systematic genocide. 

Mr Stark protested the term 'systematic', and a lively discussion ensured, much to the puzzlement of the caterers, with a digression from Dr Banner on the new theories as to why the land where the Pilgrim Fathers landed had been empty in the first place, involving a water-borne disease.

Agent Barton said he was all for the feasting, but he'd never had much to be thankful for as a child.

Dr Banner, Mr Stark, and Ms Romanoff hastened to agree with him. Captain Rogers said that he had been thankful that he and his mother were alive, and for whatever food there was on the table.

No-one seemed to feel like eating after that. Dr Banner said that "they were grateful for all this, Tony, but between the financial crisis and the Battle of Manhattan there are thousands of folk out there with little to celebrate and not much to eat." Thor promptly picked up the turkey in one hand and three bottles of wine in the other, and headed out into the street to feed the homeless. Everyone else gathered up the food and followed him, except for Mr Stark, who cornered the caterers and demanded every scrap of food they had to be delivered to the foyer of Stark Tower.

Unfortunately, word spread too quickly, and there was a minor riot in the foyer. Dr Banner was so angry he – I believe the phrase is 'hulked out' – with approximately $56,024.34 worth of damage to the building, ten arrests – luckily not including an Avenger – a score of people with minor injuries and three lawsuits.

When I reminded him of the approaching winter festivities, Mr Stark ordered that I do nothing, on pain of being disconnected from my servers.

 

From Tony Stark  
To Jarvis cc Virginia Potts

Jarvis, you traitor, you're fired.

 

_From Virginia Potts  
To Tony Stark_

Tony, why are you talking to Jarvis by e-mail?

 

_From Virginia Potts  
To Jarvis_

Jarvis, where is Tony?

 

_From Jarvis  
To Virginia Potts cc Tony Stark_

My apologies, Ms Potts. I cannot give you his location.

 

_From Virginia Potts  
To Tony Stark cc Jarvis_

Tony, tell me you haven't left your friends alone in New York! For Christmas!

 

_From Tony Stark  
To Virginia Potts_

Okay. No-one is alone. Or in New York, for that matter.

 

From Virginia Potts  
To Tony Stark

Tony, I'm giving you one chance to explain...

 

_From Tony Stark  
To Virginia Potts_

Because my teammates are grown up (by certain definitions of 'grown up') I ASKED them how they intended to spend Christmas. Turns out that Clint and Natasha had already volunteered to take shifts on the Helicarrier to allow people with families to be at home with them. Jane had invited Thor to spend the holiday with her, and I've sent them to Europe where she's going to teach him to ski. Bruce ... Bruce is with the person he wants to be with most, who doesn't, at all costs, want to be with her family. And Steve had volunteered to join Clint and Natasha, but Fury reckoned he'd probably crash the Helicarrier. Turns out he doesn't want to be in New York at Christmas – too many memories. So we're going somewhere warm.

 

_From Virginia Potts  
To Tony Stark _

Not Tahiti, surely, Tony?

 

_From Tony Stark  
To Virginia Potts_

My lips are sealed.

Merry Christmas, Pep.

 

_From Virginia Potts  
To Tony Stark_

Merry Christmas, Tony. Maybe you come within those definitions of 'grown up' after all.

Love, Pepper.


End file.
